I would have done things differently!”
Think for a moment about what that means. Despite their best intentions in the beginning, that’s how most family caregivers feel.
Obviously, you’re involved because your parent can no longer do, or shortly will not be able to do, everything he/she needs to do in order to live independently.
I think the main problem, for most caregivers our age, is the lack of awareness going into this role. I was a complete Bambi when I stepped up to help Mom. Completely naive, I thought I could do everything she needed, plus work full time, plus keep up on all my friendships and relationships. Four years later, I feel like I have graduated with a degree of some sort. this should not be a “learn-by-doing” experience. No one should be surprised at how much work, anguish, and stress caregiving causes. Not to mention the wear and tear on relationships. I have taken care of myself by figuring out that it takes a “village” to care for a senior. I put my marriage first. I cherish the few friends who did not bolt when I took on this role. I found the best care for my Mom that is respectful of her needs and ours. And I come here often for the support of our forum members and experts because, unless you have walked in caregiver’s shoes, you cannot begin to understand this journey.
Nothing can fully prepare you for the overwhelming experience of caring for your elderly parents. found themselves flummoxed by the labyrinthine world of elderly care. “Being clueless — utterly clueless — is the central and unavoidable part of this experience. [Caregiving is] an all-consuming and life-altering experience that wrings you out, uses you up and then sends you back into the world with your heart full and your eyes open, if you let it.
a situation that is all too familiar to millions of Americans across the country – caring for an elderly parent who was adamant about her independence. They had to navigate the confusing maze of Medicare regulations and try to find the right specialists who could help their mother, all the while juggling their own families and careers. The central theme may be summed up by Jane herself – “Being clueless — utterly clueless — is the central and unavoidable part of this experience.
it wasn’t always best to suck it up and go on, as the Army had taught him. He could think in healthier ways and rebuild himself. I was angry and too embarrassed to ask for help.
what most people take for granted – transportation, shopping, preparing a meal, living independently at home, or simply going for a walk.
A universal constant about being a patient is vulnerability and loss of control. ”Once I entered the hospital, I lost power over nearly everything: what I ate, what I wore, how much activity I was allowed, whether I was permitted to get up to the bathroom—it was all dictated by someone else.” They’re embarrassing for all. They de-humanize, demean and really make us VIPs feel like we’re an afterthought — and a tiresome one at that.
“The goal is not to deny the less-than-pleasant stuff that is happening, but rather to focus on what’s going well
Whenever I engage in a detailed discussion about our core mission of helping elders remain in their own homes, invariably the conversation turns to liability. “Aren’t you afraid of getting sued if something bad happened while you were involved in an elder’s care at home?” “How can you prevent something untoward from occurring?” Have the courage and the generosity to allow the elders in your life to live their remaining years as independently and freely as possible. Take the time necessary to listen to their concerns. They may scrape their knees, or worse, but they will be living—not just waiting to die.
Caring for Aging Parents vs Dealing with Aging Parents. Difference is one of attitude. Dealing w/Aging Parents will make task/responsibility of caregiving much more difficult for both people. I’m a senior; I certainly don’t want to be dealt with. Besides, who are you to decide what’s best for me? Who appointed you God?
Parenting-Your-Parents | When-Roles-Reverse – Both attitudes patronize elders by placing them in a subordinate position. Simply Stated … There is No Such Thing as Role Reversal.
I learned early on to let my mother do everything she could do. More importantly, to stop doing everything for her. Frankly, doing it for her was easier. This was important advice — let her do it.
If I had not learned this lesson, I now believe that my mother would be doing next to nothing. I say this because I learned if you do it for them, sooner or later they will forget how to do things. Once they forget, they will never relearn.
Are You Caring for Your Elder Loved Ones by Choice or Crisis?
Change [redefine - reshape - reform - transform - paradigm] the “twilight years of life” from the concept of “taking care of people during their declining years” to “enabling/assisting people to live their remaining lives to the fullest extent possible.” — “Helping people help themselves.” enabling care/assistive care/ care = protection change how we frame what we do. a new mindset “life enabling” “life enrichment” [care = to watch over; be responsible for: to take care of an invalid.] a terminal period, esp. after full development, success, etc.: the twilight of his life.
to support and encourage the whole person, not just their medical needs, to help people enjoy rich and fulfilling lives despite their declining abilities and increasing medical needs. Create a life worth living. Eliminate their loneliness, helplessness, and boredom, and Meaningless, patronizing [condescend, treat like a child, degrading, humiliating, demeaning, deprive of self-esteem, activities that demoralize their spirits; change the culture of long-term care
Nurturing care uses a heuristic approach (encouraging a person to learn, discover, understand, or solve problems on his or her own, as by experimenting, evaluating possible answers or solutions, or by trial and error) to stimulate interest, encouraging people to learn, discover, and understand how to continue living meaningful lives despite their declining abilities and increasing medical needs. Many elderly have moderate to intensive medical needs, hence the use of the word “care.” But, they also have psychosocial needs as well, even though many are afflicted with dementia.
Demand change – not warehousing. Dignity, self-esteem
Help the elderly stay engaged with life
Help the elderly continue living meaningful lives
“We know you care. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this.”
Empowerment, as I think of it, is all about the beautiful principle of transferring knowledge and helping people consider possibilities that previously seemed out of reach.
To Disable: To crush a spirit, to withdraw hope, to deflate curiosity, to promote an inability to see beauty, to deprive of imagination. To make abject (utterly hopeless, miserable, humiliating, or wretched).
The emotional assault … the impact that these words unleash. A world that would perceive someone like me to have nothing positive whatsoever going for me. It’s not just about the words, it about what we believe about people when we name them with these words. It’s about the values behind the words, and how we construct those values. Our language affects our thinking and how we view the world and how we view other people.
Achieving goals empowers people!
“I took care of my Mother for 8 years. She passed away in 2002. I have added your website to my favorites as all the information you are providing would have been invaluable to me if it had been available during the 8 years of my caregiving.
I am now seeing more and more friends and coworkers approaching the time when they too will be faced with difficult decisions concerning caregiving of an aging parent, loved one or family member. I am so glad that I can pass your link on to others who need this information.
I can say from experience that your website is helping not only by providing much needed information and resources but is instrumental in helping caregivers save time, money, sanity, peace of mind, relationships, marriages and lives. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You!!!!”
Janette F.
