In my opinion, your husband’s dementia has progressed to the point that he has mild to moderate short-term memory loss. He can no longer remember some of the things you tell him.

My mother was the same way. Her memory loss was selective and totally unpredictable. It usually happened when we were in the car together. She’d comment about how nice that new building looked, or was thankful that they finally put in a stoplight here (they should have done it a long time ago!). However, the reality was that both the “new” building and stoplight had been there for at least 20 years.

At first, I’d try to gently correct her … only to start a mild argument that went nowhere, regardless of the rationale I used. Because of her selective short-term memory loss, both the building and stoplight were new in her world, and no amount of arguing would change her recollection of the “facts.” In fact, arguing only made her more and more adamant.

Through trial and error, I learned on my own what I’ve found that eldercare professionals recommend today. That is, it is pointless to argue; it only adds to the stress felt by both parties. They have simply lost the ability to change their minds, regardless of how logically brilliant your arguments may be. And, using a tape recorder to affirm your position will do absolutely no good. In fact, that may make your husband even more angry. Bottom line … You will never win the argument.

Even though it takes practice and sometimes more than a little patience, you and I are the ones who have to change. In my mother’s case, I’d change the subject to something like, “You know, I must have a mental block. Even though you’ve told me time-and-time again the name of that tree (as I pointed to a tree with beautiful purple flowers), I just can’t remember its name. What is it?.”

You may have noticed that I didn’t ask her if she remembered the name of the tree. If I had, it could have raised the issue of her memory again. Instead, I simply assumed that she remembered, and she did! In other words, rather than ask, “Do you remember the name of the tree?,” I asked “What is it?”

In your specific case, when your husband says, “You never told me that,” you can end the conversation by saying (here’s the hard part), “I’m sorry, I thought I did.” By graciously taking the blame yourself, the potential argument will be defused quickly and gently.

I hope this is helpful.
Mike

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